Nerves

3:47pm
I'm no stranger to heartbreak. Since I am an emotional gal to begin with, my heart usually gets tangled up in the day to day even when I am trying to guard it.

My job is starting to get to me. I don't want it to. I have always enjoyed going to work, it's usually a fun time, the people I work with are cool, it's nice to see the regulars. But lately, work really upsets me. Customers are so rude. It requires a lot of energy to stand in one spot for 5-7 hours and be nice to 150 different people. It only takes one jackass to ruin an otherwise ok day. It's disheartening that the nice, friendly, funny people are the anomaly rather than the rule. I'm finding it harder and harder to put on a happy face. I find myself becoming an uninspired, blank faced robot. The pay-off doesn't seem worth the investment most times. When a pleasant customer comes through, it is a 60 second or so ray of light in an otherwise depressing place to be.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.

Workplace anxiety is increased by this fucking psycho who won't leave me alone. I met her a few months ago, i don't remember how, but she is crazy and she drives me crazy and my day at work is completely destroyed when she shows up, because i have to spend the rest of my shift trying to think of creative ways to blow her off. Not responding to her emails or phone calls has not seemed to deter her in the least. Telling her i am absorbed in my own life and didn't really have space to deal with her life didn't seem to phase her at all. Today she was complaining because she had to go to a meeting for 2 hours. I said "good, that means you'll leave me alone". I hope she gets that hint because the next one is going to be a lot less sugar coated. hahaha.

Her behaviour towards me, which is impossible to explain or to convey exactly how much i hate her very presence, reminds me way too much of some behaviours i am guilty of myself. She makes me ashamed of my past. Because I can recall when certain not-so-subtle clues were given to me by the object of my affection and i ignored them. I was so sure that i was connected to that person, and that the connection was mutual, that i just kept on banging my head against the wall until he caved and spent a few hours by my side. I know now that the real reason he gave me those hours is because i plied him with the things he deemed essential for survival at the time: booze, drugs, music, sympathy, sex. I am embarrassed about the way i kept on clinging despite all evidence that i should drop it. Humiliated would be a good word, actually. Ashamed definitely hits home.

Maybe that is why this particular girl makes my skin crawl so much; she reminds me of myself. Myself in a younger, heady, confused state of mind. I want no part of a situation like that again - not from either perspective.

I feel like my nerves are on the outside of my skin these days. I get lost in tiny snapshots and sappy moments that bring tears to my eyes on an otherwise beautiful day.

I'm a terrible flirt. Not as in I flirt shamelessly all the time, but as in i suck at flirting. I am so desperate (I hate that word and am using in on purpose) to come across as appealing to the opposite sex, that I usually just end up acting like somebody out on a day pass who speaks in tongues and stumbles over shadows. I'm so clumsy & self conscious.

Neighborhood Hottie was at the Trident this afternoon when I was walking home from work. Usually, I confess, I am on the semi-lookout for him. Today, suffering from a wee case of the blues, I had my head down and was trying to hold it together until I got to the sanctity of home. I couldn't help but notice those lanky legs stretched out at the sidewalk table, even though my glasses have been misplaced for a few days now. I stopped, and squinted directly at him from across the street... very classy. "wassup" was my irresistable opener, followed by some garbled mumbo-jumbo concerning my bad vision. "I knew it was you" he said. I wished he meant it in a different way. I wished I had the werewithall to cross the street and introduce myself. Instead I tripped over my tongue kept heading down the street. As soon as I got home, I knew I had to go back. So I changed my clothes and I went back. He was walking down the street away from me with his posse. Another typical missed opportunity.

My modem is so fucked, I can't even get online at all right now. My speakers don't work out of either computer. I smoke, and hate myself with every drag.

I so badly want to skip class tonight, but I am going. It is going to be a long one, I think. I don't know if my feeble brain is up for it tonight. I'm a little shakey.

10:05pm
I went to class, but left at the first break a little over an hour into it. I literally could NOT stay awake. I am now finishing up my second vodka mudshake (gotta love party leftovers) and getting ready to call it a night.

I am counting down until it's time to go to Sandy Cove. I can't wait to spend a few days with my folks.